Temper Tantrums
Welcome back to Parenting Pearls. This is our recurring advice column designed to assist you in raising happy, healthy and successful children. Last time we discussed how to get a child to repeat good behaviors with reinforcement. Today, I want to examine how this same process can backfire on us. Let’s say my three year old is grabbing an electrical cord. I, of course, remove it from his hand because it is dangerous. He starts to cry, scream, flail. Full on temper tantrum ensues. Now what?
I could give it back–that would stop the tantrum, but it would reinforce his crying to get what he wants and also risk electrocution. So, I assume most of us would not take this option. I could redirect him by giving him something safer to play with, like a stuffed animal, or I could get really silly to distract him so he stops crying. This seems like a much more reasonable approach, but if we follow a behavioral thought process, what are we training our child to do? The child now has a toy or my attention–he is happy. Later, he starts crying again and gets another toy. He soon realizes, if only at a subconscious level, that by crying, he gets something good.
I could punish him by giving him a timeout (the subject of a future article). The problem with this kind of negative reinforcement, however, is that although the child is not getting a “good” result, he is still getting attention, which can be motivation. Bad attention is sometimes better than no attention.
The best option would be to ignore his tantrum. By doing this, there is no attention given. Pretty quickly, your child will figure out that his screaming is not getting him anything. He will then try other techniques. “Maybe if I’m cute and snuggly, mom will give me attention,” your child thinks. When he picks a behavior you like, give him reinforcement and he’ll start choosing that behavior in the future.
A Small Caveat About Extinction: When you first remove reinforcement from a behavior, the behavior tends to escalate. The child just can’t understand why his crying is not working. It has before. “Maybe I’m not doing it with enough enthusiasm,” your child might wonder. Then the tantrums will get bigger and louder for a few days. Eventually, when even the exaggerated tantrums fail to succeed, the negative behavior will be abandoned and new, more positive behaviors will take its place.
Pearl: Ignore temper tantrums.
Homework: The next time your child has a tantrum, turn and walk away. Let them have it. Once they are finished and acting appropriately, then give them attention. Remember, the behavior may get worse before it gets better.
- Dr. Mark Gettleman, Just Kids Pediatrics